soleil, lune

my eating disorder is killing me. killing me. jesse literally watched me try to make myself throw up and didn’t think a single thing of it. i guess it’s a good thing I can’t force myself to vomit because my gag reflex isn’t sensitive enough but sometimes I really really wish that weren’t the case. he can’t even tell me I’m not disgusting, let alone say something positive about me - I feel so so ugly and worthless and sometimes I just want to feel loved by someone else when I don’t have the energy or resources to feel that way about myself. Lift the burden. I know I won’t keep feeling this way forever. I don’t know if I can keep doing this with him. Any lick of attention I get from a dude that I even mildly could see myself into gets a spot in my dreams that night. And they’re always kind to me. I wish I didn’t want their validation but right now I just feel incapable of lifting myself up. Plus all I do is adderall these days anyway and I’m strung the fuck out.

my heart feels so heavy with all the things that are going on and my people aren’t even the ones out there dying everyday… it’s so hard to find beauty or humor in anything. Right now all I see and feel is darkness and the I feel the pain of an entire community of people hurting.

And still, I could never know their pain. This is not about me.